Are You Married To a Narcissistic Husband?

There is no other situation as marriage to allow an intimate view of the person at your side.

It is through daily interaction that you get the behavioral bits that will make your definitive image of your loved one.

And how do we do this day-by-day task of perceiving the other near us?

In mediation, we use a very practical question that dissipates the confusion about what motivates a person to act:

Because we are concerned about  each person’s capacity to develop and honor agreements with others, the basic dilemma is to decide if this person:

  Is more interested in pursuing his/her own individual goals,

  Or is more interested in pursuing common goals.

To the degree they are bent on option a) or b) we can express the degree in which a person is self-focused, or is focused on others around her/him.

We call them either a) individualistic, or selfish people, or b) community-oriented people.

Both vectors are complementary, that is to say the % of energy directed towards self (let’s say 80%) leaves only the rest  (20%)  to be directed to discuss community interests of the others around.

So, is your partner more interested in issues that concern him (his time, interests, money, golf game, self-esteem, sexual gratification, etc) than on listening and solving your needs/interests?

If his conversations go around his own issues (where are my clothes; when will I have my dinner, etc), and rarely they go towards you and your interests (are you going to see the movie that you like this weekend?) then, probably you have a self-centered person accidentally locked inside the most community-oriented institution, that is marriage.

In Other Words, You Married a Narcissist!

A narcissistic husband is a person who operates with an inflated self-view, who needs constantly to disregard personal connections with others that could challenge his own grandiose self-view.

As they are focused on how to keep up an image of self grandiosity, they have to pursue their self interests and compete fiercely with others to receive approval, visibility, and influence in the pursuit of their goals.

He can even compete with you for the approval, love and company of the children, so they confirm that he is the best parent!

BUT WAIT! There is more:

One of the most worrisome signs of a narcissistic husband, is that they have little genuine interest in other people’s welfare,  except about how others can be used.
Are you being used as a prop to show the world that he can be also “happily married”, or are you in a real partnership with him?

Now you are invited to get the complete picture of your situation, living with a narcissistic husband, to see what can you do to improve it. Here we will offer you the basic knowledge about this personality type:

I.- How does a person grow up to be a narcissistic person?

In children, inflated self-views and grandiose feelings, which are characteristics of narcissism, are part of the normal self-development. Children typically cannot understand the difference between their real and their ideal self, which causes an unrealistic perception of the self.

After about age 8, views of the self, both positive and negative, begin to develop based on comparisons of peers, and parental feedback and become more based on his reality.

Two factors that cause his self-view to stay unrealistic are dysfunctional interactions with parents that can be either giving excessive attention or a lack thereof. The child will either compensate for lack of attention or act in terms of grandiose, unrealistic self-perception.

Here you can see a list of several causes#, originated in his/her childhood:

• Excessive parental admiration that is never balanced with realistic feedback

• Excessive praise for good behaviors, looks or intelligence, or excessive criticism for bad behaviors in childhood

• Overindulgence and protection from parents, without constructive critique

• Insecure or avoidant attachment with parents/caretaker

• Used by narcissistic parents to regulate their own self-esteem

• Severe emotional abuse in childhood

II.- What are the most important narcissistic husband traits?

Of course, you are going to say: a very controlling person, always bending situations to get what he needs: praise, admiration, obedience, etc..

There is more: Other symptoms of this narcissistic personality disorder include:

• Reacting to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation

• Taking advantage of others to reach own goals

• Exaggerating own importance, achievements, and talents

• Imagining unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence

• Requiring constant attention and positive reinforcement from others

• Lacking empathy and disregarding the feelings of others

• Being obsessed with self; pursuing mainly selfish goals

• Trouble keeping healthy relationships

• Becoming easily hurt and rejected if not admired

• Setting goals that are grandiose and unrealistic

• Wanting “the best” of everything (food, cars, powerful friends, etc)

• Not connected or sensitive to other people’s emotions

III.- How to identify a narcissistic person while talking?

Imagine that you are seated at a restaurant…in comes this person, very vocal, asking or demanding to be given “the best table.” Everybody else is seated at the same kind of table, but he imagines that they keep a special place for important people like him…Yes, you are watching a beautifully narcissistic person in action!

You can listen to their usual conversations: they fill silences with superficial pleasantries (talking about nothing personally directed to you, or about you!) or give self-aggrandizing stories that embellish their image.

They will talk about themselves and their achievements and how great they are, non stop,  making others look as secondary pawns in his scenario. Is not that he does not see you, but he tends to test how you can be used by him to fulfill his own goals and purposes…so if you are not providing him with admiration, at least you will be his attentive public!

He will also relate to new acquaintances with thoughts of how such people can be useful to him. Narcissists feel comfortable using seductive tactics to make other (important) people listen to them and succumb to their wishes. When self-serving opportunities are few, a narcissist husband stays aloof and distant, but as soon as opportunities present themselves, narcissists become engaging and involved, and dazzle others with their talk.

To keep their own grand self-image, narcissists strive to be associated with important and resourceful  people —including powerful social leaders and important customers—to use them as means and devices for their own self-fulfillment. Then, he will mention often that he is linked to such and such important characters, in his talks, to make others feel not so important and connected as he is.

See a narcissist move in a group, and watch the decisions he proposes, and ask yourself: To what extent will he benefit if we adopt this decision? If you are aware that he makes decisions for purposes of personal social and economic benefits, you will be equipped with the right questions to find the narcissist’s self interest.

At a family level, you will see this decision-making balancing between “let’s get this sporty car I look so good in” and “we need a utilitarian van for the family.”

Calculating? yes, and that can be disgusting…but opaque no more! Now you know how self-centered decision-making is done, and can be aware of getting decisions that don’t leave your needs out.

IV.- How does narcissism begins? are we born in this way?

Narcissists have such a higher sense of self-worth that they value themselves as inherently better than others. However, they have a fragile self-esteem and cannot handle criticism, and will often try to compensate for this inner fragility by belittling or disparaging others in trying to confirm their own self-worth. It is this sadistic tendency that is characteristic of narcissism as opposed to other psychological conditions affecting level of self-worth.

And this exact aspect of the personality makes so difficult to live with him in a community setting, as marriage is, because it includes a risk factor. When and how this man will become a vindictive narcissist and attack others to save his self-esteem? At what silly or common incident he will consider himself so threatened as to lash out and punish others like his own children?

V.- Can my narcissistic controlling husband be treated or cured?

Sadly, the same structure of his personality will make of him a big avoidant of any opportunity to get help. He will consider individual therapy as a crutch he doesn’t need, because he fears his defective self-worth will then be revealed.

How can you help him keep up his sense of entitlement while you move him towards the necessary empathy to be able to act as a father, the leader of a pack that is his family?

Helping him find his talents to go along and cooperate with others is basic. Generating empathy in his life deeper relationships will take patience and a strong sense of humor from you, his partner. She has to see this project as ongoing: as having to raise another child badly needed of her constant realistic support, but also needing her opinion on negative behaviors that affect others. Being clear about his real talents and appreciating them every day can balance the childish need of constant gratification for imaginary superiority, and promote a healthier acceptance of who he is, alone and in the family.

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