The Reasons For Being Emotionally Unavailable

emotionally unavailable

An Emotionally unavailable person is someone who will go to extremes to avoid discussing and sharing his feelings with another person.

Let’s imagine a person has been deeply wounded in childhood, with the results that he doesn’t believes that relationships work and that he can be loved, respected by someone, and that he absolutely needs loving connection in his life to thrive and be happy.

Of course, this is the last person qualified to marry.

But indeed, he finds a victim and marries!

As a result of the past abuse, he has developed this shield of emotional unavailability, protecting himself of ever feeling connection with somebody else.

Remember, connection is danger, in his world.

Now that he is a serious relationship,  he has to play this game: how to be married, declaring that he is in love with someone as much as to be married, while preserving his emotional shield?

The answer is to find multiple and creative ways to put distance between him and any loving female that dares to cross into his bubble.

Can you recognize any of the behaviors here?

This woman is posting her thoughts in a forum: 

“I am trying to get a divorce from my PA husband.

I have accumulated a list of very hurtful behaviors I never expected, I could never understand the contradiction between what he says: (“he loves me”) and what he does:

the continuous stream of lies upon lies, excuses over excuses, but nothing accomplished;

the constant revenge or pay back to situations we were in together but later he dislikes and blames me for;

the lack of help, support or any way to share the household burden

the pathetic weak resistance to anything i wanted or needed, only because it was my idea;

the blatant withholding of emotions,sex, stimulation, love, friendship, sympathy;

Rejecting to work out anything in our relationship, basically ANYTHING I wanted at all!

Plus, the blaming yet no communicating of feelings or no giving me feedback about things he doesn’t like, so I’m left in the black

Constant choosing to appreciate other women over me, constant making me look bad in front of others, 

Doing put downs and demeaning comments about my character and my look, and my skills, etc.

 Dear God, how did I end up with this monster???”

Clearly, all these terrible behaviors are just new attempts to put her at a safe distance; never allowing her to feel identified with his inner core of self.

There are just some of the many ways of rejecting and discouraging her can he show, before she realizes that his game is:

“Don’t get near; don’t feel anything, I am emotionally unavailable and we will never connect…”

Now, you know what his game is: you are probably married to a narcissistic controlling husband…

What are you going to do with your own need for love and connection? 

About Nora Femenia

Nora Femenia, Ph.D, is the CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions and the author of the book The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband, a field guide for women that have to deal with passive aggression in their partners. Nora also post regularly to her blog Creative Conflicts. Visit her blog and join the community to discuss issues related to Conflicts, Relationships and receive Free her book “Breaking Free From The Silent Treatment”

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